With an assumption that all gay men are ready and hungry for sex all of the time, the lonely straight man will, as soon as he can muster the courage, seek out the first gay man that he can be sure is gay, and that fits some criteria of masculinity which he can respect. The lonely straight man will even offer himself submissively, figuring that if he tries it, and can stomach it, he might, as Woody Allen used to say, "double his chances for a date on Saturday night." He has no ideas about what he may want, or be "into", only that he is driven towards touch, affection and intimacy.
For some of us it may be hard to imagine a loneliness that must be common among single straight men, especially in a rural setting. Within the dictates of the straight male world, if he is not doing well with the ladies for several years, he may go a long time without even a hug. In the gay community, friendly intimacy, hugs and kisses upon greeting, etc. are common, even more so amongst the fraternity of those who for whatever reason are not engaged sexually as well. So even the single gay man who doesn't get sex much still feels touch, and connection to his peers. I can imagine that it would be very different for the single straight male in his mid forties or early fifties.
Now, the media, and even society at large, is telling him that those dictates of heterosexuality are not necessarily important. Hordes of unsatisfied and frustrated heterosexual men, who had been misled into believing that they must channel their need for warmth and play and touch into aggressive athletics, like football or boxing, are now wondering if they can get that whatever it is that they are missing from sucking dick.
A lonely straight man came to our door last night. He wasn't drunk, he wasn't impolite. He was afraid, he was hungry, he was confused and mortified by his own behaviour. I recognized him as someone that maybe I had cruised, just a little, in the town center parking lot. He had obviously found some gays he could respect in his community, and that, at least, is flattering. But, its a bit on the freaky side when someone comes down your eighth of a mile long driveway, unexpected, after dark, in the rural area where we live. Unlike the city, where your neighbors are ten feet away, here we sit in the middle of several acres, and the whole "defending your land" thing is a bit more of a concern. Maybe he was really here to rob the house, and was surprised that we were home. Maybe he was here just because he had "never sucked a guy's dick before," like he said. Either way, we sent him on his way, still lonely.
Part of me wants to help; no not that part of me, sure I may have cruised him once, pickings can be slim out here, you look at a lot of things, and I'm not really interested in a inexperienced blow job. Dad says the straights never had no care to help us, why should we help them! But, the affliction of loneliness is universal, and the straight's envy of our 'lifestyle' is one of the gay community's biggest enemies.
Ambivalence is squelching my Aloha. link | posted by Reese at 12:30 PM
1 Comments:
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commented:
Reese - what an interesting blog entry. You've hit on something here...something that perhaps explains the "rural" versus the "city" gays (and straights), and why so many young rural gays end up in the cities, and when we grow older and wiser, we become rural again. Sometimes, it really is just the touch and acknowledgement of another warm human being in the night that we crave; that touch that will get us through the long dark night of the soul that leads us to approach a stranger at his home. Perhaps this helps to explain a lot of anonymous gay sex. And I agree with you that sometimes it's misplaced violence that leads to straight on gay sex and misplaced gay sex that leads to violence. Western society has never dealt with the concept of loneliness, or the tangible realities of loneliness, very well, much less the whole gay thing.
However, you, Reese, have to follow your own soul and whatever is right for you, whether it's hugging a man who arrives unexpectedly at your door one night and offers himself to you, or buying him a coffee the next time you see him in the market, sitting him down and talking to him.
However, if I know you as well as I think I do, the last thing you are is "ambivalent" about the matter. You have your thoughts and feelings on the subject (as evidenced by the thoughtful and beautiful blog entry), you just haven't yet figured out how to deal with it in such a way to be true to yourself and the spirit of Aloha that has come to inhabit you. Yours is a giving and touching soul - always has been and always will be - you will find a way to both give and touch, whether actual touching is involved or not. Just rest, grow your flowers, and allow yourself time and space alone.
So, just sit and listen to the flowers grow. You've always had a great ear for melody and harmony.
much love always and aloha,
S- » Monday, April 21, 2008 4:40:00 PM