I am gay. No real surprise there. And, I have been in a loving relationship with my partner, Tolver, for over twenty years. For those that don't have all of the background info, the reader's digest version is that we performed our first "wedding" ceremony in front of a group of about 70 peers, in Austin Texas, in 1987, and became a part of the same-sex marriage movement; becoming domestic partnered in the city of San Francisco, then again in the state of California, then finally legally married, if only for 90 days, in San Francisco on February 14th, 1994. After marching with an enlarged copy of our marriage certificate in that year's Gay Pride March, followed by the re-election of President Shrub, we became dis-allusioned with the same-sex marriage movement, and have gone on to consider ourselves "mated", not married.
Through the years we came to several realizations about gay family and gay society, along with the realization that change in all society comes from people just being who they are, and sticking to their guns. It is those that conform or just follow the trends that cause stagnation; we that march to a different drummer, like butterfly wings, cause the thunderstorms of tomorrow. You see, when Tolver and I created and performed our own wedding ceremony in 1987, it was unheard of for two gay men to marry (come on, it was Austin Texas!); maybe a lesbian couple or two had had a little commitment ceremony, but gay men were the "confirmed bachelors", never even considering the idea of settling down. Still, we weren't trying to set a trend, we were just doing what we felt that we wanted to do; to hell with everyone else. It was our guests, supportive friends and co-workers, most of whom we have lost track of, spread out into American society, who took with them the idea that two men could be married. It is through them that we were a part of beginning a movement that led to the acceptance, and even legalization of same-sex marriage.
But, something else was happening during those twenty years: while we were enjoying new freedom and acceptance, gay society was being decimated by HIV. I guess we were lucky that we found each other at 17 & 18, just as we were entering what could have been the most promiscuous time of our lives. I truly believe that our relationship saved our lives. But, many, maybe most, were not so lucky. Now, it seems, we have made it through the worst of it, and the infected do not have to die, but where is the accounting of how much was lost? A large part of two generations of American homosexual males have been lost; even if they were not killed, their lives, and maybe more importantly, thier potentials were descimated by AIDS.
My point however is about how the loss of two generations affected gay society. Gay society, like hetrosexual society, had in place a mechanism for the inheritance of wisdom, and wealth. In hetrosexual society, the family passes the gains of the past to their children, and through marriage the mechanisms of society are deciminated; father-in-laws hire their daughter's husbands, wedding gifts tally in the thousands, etc. These "leg-ups" provide a way for young people to get a head start, or at least get into the game of life. While not as obvious, gay society used a similar mechanism for thousands of years, where the older gay men would entertain the youth, using the "disposable" income accrued by lack of blood dependants. If we look at early Hollywood society we can find evidence of this, even in recent politics, and it exists as far back as the Greeco practice of mentor and apprentice. Men twenty years younger would often take on the task of caring for the aging bachelors, while learning from them the skills that would be required to continue a business, or some long term task of research or study.
The loss of two generations of gay men could, potentially, destroy this cycle.
Tolver and I realized this and it immediately became important to us to try to do something about it. We realized that we had missed out, and that life had been a bit harder for us because we did not have the support from above that should have been available to us. Again, we were lucky; Tolver's mother was very accepting, without her help in the early years of our relationship we would have been homeless on numerous occasions. I had never considered that I would want the responsibility of a child in my life. In fact a major part of how I had defined my homosexuality in my own youth had been that it meant that I would not have to have children. However, after this realization, it became very important to both of us that we help a troubled gay youth. Within 6 months we had adopted Sky. Timothy 'Sky' Johnson (he even shared my last name) was actually born on the day that Tolver and I first said "I love you" to one another. Unbelievable but true; our love child! We found him not to long after his 19th birthday, without a place to live, with a massive skin infection. Without much hesitation, we took him in, and cared for him back to health. We didn't ask anything of him, other than that he work with us to get his life on track, and we gave him everything that we had to give. It was the most gratifying thing I have done with my life so far!
In less than a year, Sky was employed, and ready to go on his own again. Successfully moved out, found his own love, and started making a life for himself. But, this did not end our contact with him; he has truely become our son, and tells us often how happy he is to have us as his daddies. But we weren't done. When it was time for Tolver and I to move on from San Francisco, to our new lives here in Hawai'i, we left him everything: the apartment, the funiture, everything that he could need to make a life for himself. Few, gay, out, twenty year olds can boast of a full set of cookware, dishes, a good bed, clothes, TV, computer, everything that we had acquired but no longer needed. Tolver and I have learned how to make our own way, how to land on our feet whereever we are. We took along the essentials, and began the new phase of our lives.
After a month in Hawai`i, we became confident that we would make it, that we would be able to use our skills to survive here, and begin the process of gaining the new things that make life possible. And just when we got to that point, we met Bob.
Bob is about 20 years our senior. A successful and settled gay man, happy with his own life, but maybe a bit more alone than he would prefer. He is a brillant horticulturist with much wisdom to pass down. Bob has shown a desire to share what he has, and what he is, with myself and Tolver. There is something about our relationship with him that allready feels very "right." The relationship has been defined by our desire to gain a new place for ourselves and learn a new life path here on the island, and his desire to have someone to help him with his business, and his household. For both Tolver and myself, and Bob, there is a desire for the future security that we can offer each other. The circle is complete.
This is our queer family. In life, there are friends; Tolver and I have a few, very close ones. Most of you will probably read this, a few of you we should call our brothers in this family. Gay men must look for their family. I hope now that the idea is out there, that more will find theirs.
Labels: Our Queer Family
link | posted by Reese at 6:25 PM
2 Comments:
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commented:
One word....Beautiful.
Hawai'i is good to you.
Love you always,
Stephen- » Thursday, March 02, 2006 3:29:00 PM
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commented:
Aloha Tolver and Reese,
just reading your blog this morning..all of it.
I could have stopped, but wanted to learn of your lives before, and after the island.
In a nutshell, I am at comfort in this moment. ( here is why )
I don't feel I have connected entirely with a forgiveness of the disgust I have felt with the generalities of "public opinion", viewing homosexuality, and homosexuals.
I am 35. I have had, what I thought was the good life, at one-point...just to have it all taken away.
Then it seemed any chances to ever have "it all" again were taken away, but so much easier in the eyes and ways of life.
I used to think I was simply not good enough for anybody, which is why I chose to stay away from everybody.
Since I have been on the island?....
oohhh the euphoria.
Once here and beginning to live my new life, I have been going through a transformation I never imagined.
Reading your blog is now a part of that transformation.
There is an understanding I recieve when I read each entry.
I have a laugh, a thought of something from my past, a smile at a very sweet picture of your dog, and most important to myself, the ambition that seems to begin speaking to me, to just crawl out of the skin that no longer fits my body.
I am a person whom always has had some ability to see the unseen, hear the unheard. Of course it seems required to be on-call 24/7, and I choose otherwise.
"Our Queer Family" is, in the least, a profoundness waiting to be listened to. It truly speaks.
I want to let you both know how much I see in your words on your blog.
Tolver and Reese, caring is secondary to only one fact..honesty.
You're both honest, great men, with wonderful and insightful minds.
I am glad to know you both, and thank you for your blog.
Cheezy, I know. But there were several with sentences and words that just reach out.
Maybe you both know this, but you've only begun to graze the tip-of-the iceberg. (<- yeah I know )
Welp, I will see you all at potluck today.
and volleyball every Saturday.
Goodthoughtspositiveenergy
Jaymoe- » Sunday, September 10, 2006 10:12:00 AM